Not now, not ever.

Methinks that we are afraid of not knowing how to deal with the things that scare us and the fact that nothing can teach us how to properly deal with and prepare for them. 

Online quizzes for cell and molecular biology.

Punyeta. Gagraduate pala e.

• five chapters for genetics lecture
• anterior portion of pig embryo for embryo laboratory
• (baka may) development of muscle and skeletons for embryo lecture

FML pakamatay na lang.

#pressure

Give me my sin again.

- Romeo Montague

I want to be the smoke that gently caresses your fine skin, and the mouth of the bottle that arrogantly touches your lively lips as you sip your daily beer along with your daily woes, and the profanities that make their way out of your mouth as you curse the world with its people for being a pain, and the words that you loathe penning since they make you vulnerable.

I yearn to be the lies you tell everyone to keep you from harm, and at the same time the truths that upset you as you repress them, for both of these things have you and your truths planted inside them.

Please, let me be the things that you ostensibly hate (and so much more), always to be remembered as you indulge in them. 

O

I hate your big, beady eyes. I hate the way you taste. I hate the smell of your hair. I hate your body and the way it cried for an embrace. I hate your complexion for being as pristine and white like a pearl. I hate how you manage to resurface into my consciousness at random moments. 

I guess regret only comes when I realize that I only had you for one night and that we had to spend it drinking beer with friends. We could have spent it being alone in bed or on the couch just fucking or talking. I hope we didn’t let the world matter that night.

But you’re just crazy and clingy and charming and you adored an ungrateful boy. And I will always love you for making me feel alive. 

Thanks for letting me be a part of your Life, even for a night.

Poodwaddle Life Clock

Summary

Your Age: 19.8 years
Projected Life Span (total years you will live): 61.3
Projected Life Expectancy (years remaining): 41.5

Life Expectancy Factors

The average life span for your region is 71. Your life span is 9.7 years less than average due to your medical conditions and lifestyle.

GENDER: -2.5 years
Men live 5 years less than women. Not much you can do about that. But don’t worry, female smokers loose a year more than men so your smoking has baught you a year, right? NOT!

FAMILY HISTORY: 0 years
Your family history rewards you with a few extra years. Remember to thank your mom.

SMOKING: -1 years
Smoking places you at high risk of developing lung cancer. Heavy smokers could loose 15 years (some estimates are as high as 25 years). Smoking will further shorten your happy years, making your final days a nightmare of suffering and medical treatment. It takes 10 years for the risk of lung cancer to return to that of a non-smoker and 15 for heart attack risk to return to normal. Stop smoking now before it’s too late.

DRINKING: -7 years
Drinking so much is gonna pickle your liver. Lay off the booze and live a few years longer. Seriously, it is time for you to honestly concider the consequences of your drinking.

WEIGHT: 0 years (BMI: 24.4)
Your BMI score classifies you as normal. Grats. Go treat yourself to a double fudge, candy topped, chocolate coated, three scoop ice cream cone. You’ve earned it.

HEALTH: 0 years
At your age hypertension, cholesterol, and blood sugar are probably not much of a concern to you. Live a healthy life and maybe it never will be

DIET: -1 years
I won’t lecture you on what foods you should be eating. I’m sure you already know. Is 1 years of life worth the sacrifice? Your choice.

EXERCISE: -1 years
Come on now, would doing 20 minutes of exercise per day really kill you? Looks like not doing any exercise is doing a pretty good job of that.

HAPPINESS: -1 years
Reduce your stress and improve your happiness. As Abraham Lincoln said, “Most people are about as happy as they make up their minds to be.”

EDUCATION: 1 years
Not surprisingly, higher education equals longer life.

DRIVING: 2 years
You’re no fool.The average person has a 30% chance of being in a serious accident in their lifetime but your odds are lower than average.

From here.

#Rant (Last)

Fuck all those boys who bring girls inside computer rental shops to:

• Watch them play, mostly DotA, and some other FPS game, e.g. L4D
• Play with them, which actually involves forcing a lady to learn the game

And to all the girls, please do know that you look pathetic while you’re playing and also when your ‘pro’ boyfriend pwns you for the nth time, which, to sum it up, you look fucking pathetic being inside a computer rental shop. In the near future that you decide to play with your ‘significant other’, please:

• Break up with him or
• Just have sex, it’s way more fun anyway or
• Keep in mind that this is not what ‘bonding’ means

Just don’t be desperate for that quality time.

#Rant (Also Somewhat Boring)

I like holding hands and it is my favorite form of endearment. It gives me the chance to hold love, which, despite it being abstract, it somewhat puts a concrete meaning into it. And whilst holding hands, I can honestly say that in this moment, this is love itself and this is how it feels like.

And I hate boys who hold their ladies’ hands to show the other males that she is his possession. And what is worse is that the said boys would also drag their ladies like some kind of pet dog.

All I’m saying is, there is a monumental difference between ‘being with him’ and ‘being his’.

#Rant (Which Is Extremely Boring)

So, I went into a club last Friday.

I never liked them clubs. I hate the atmosphere or vibe that they have because it seemed that everyone is condescending, judgmental, and rude or maybe that must be my inferiority complex talking. Everyone is better than everyone.

I can’t imagine people actually meeting (in the purest sense of the word) other people in such an environment. It’s as if they’ve been designed for those boys and girls who are just looking for sex because you seldom see men and women that go to clubs to actually dance. And if one does end up with someone home, I think they know that that person is a product of a night of feigned interest and, of course, alcohol.

There are no seats where my weary ass could rest. The costly entrance fee blows. And the beer, when it’s not free, is just way too expensive. Everything is expensive. I’m not that cheap, but I certainly wouldn’t pay P3,000 or more for just a table.

And this is why I loathe clubs. I’d rather be in a place where I could sit for free and not get ripped off for booze and cigarettes and where I could actually have a conversation, like bars or pubs or whatever we call those establishments here. Beer houses, perhaps?

Nang nakita ko si Ferliza Lavador sa walkway

:))))))))))

A CCTV For One’s Mind

Do not go so far that you can’t find your way back.

Although most of you might believe the contrary, there really are cons in being a full-blown liar. As you can see, as a liar, you’d require yourself to wear certain ‘masks’ for different people and different occasions.

A mask is different from a role. Roles take years of practice and, despite of all the practice, it is somewhat full of insincerity while masks are something you store in a stash in which you only have to take it out and put it on when needed, which is somewhat spontaneous. Think of it like this: when approaching a person, you don’t pause for a second and think of what role you’ll play, you just spontaneously put on your mask for that person. And spontaneity is always associated with truthfulness, that’s why people believe that this is your true self you’re showing.

There’s a mask for each of your different group of friends. There’s the one in which you play the coolest friend they have and another in which you’re the most submissive one. There’s another in which you’re the model student in class and a rebellious-always-challenging-the-authority-kind-of-kid when you’re trying to show-off by breaking the rules. All of the masks you’ve used, you’re using, and you’ll use are just for the reputation or for the image of yourself that you want to create. I’m inclined to believe that besides the superficial reputation, the purpose of this mask is to imply that you’re not to be trifled with.

There’s another mask for your family, in which you force them to believe that you’re the blackest of all the flock of black sheep they’ll ever know when compared to the children of their friends. But there’s also a different mask when you’re alone with the people that constitute your so-called family. There is the caring child when you’re with your mother, the best offspring a dad could ever have when you’re with your father, and there’s the sensitive kin when you’re with your siblings.

The worst, or sometimes the second worst, is the one that you wear when you’re with a significant someone. I wouldn’t elaborate on them but instead, I would just group them into two: the best and the worst you’d ever have to wear. The best is for when you’re trying to win them first and then it slowly goes into transit to being the worst when you’ve grown tired of them. There’s also the worst-best combination in which you show them first that you’re the most evil person they could ever know to lure them into making you their project or better, their life’s work. Then you’d just put on the best to make them notice that you’ve changed. 

I would like to quote Darius Jedburgh (from Edge of Darkness). In the movie, he said: “That’s your objective, to make it so convoluted that anyone can have a theory, but no one’s got the facts.” People, when they talk about you, can only speculate on what kind of person you really are and you’ve made the task of knowing you a fool’s errand.

Lastly, and the worst of all masks you can ever wear is for yourself, in which you’ve probably written an essay like this and gone mental. You’re lost between belief and disbelief and you can’t recognize the truths in yourself. You go on asking the people around you, frantically searching for answers in which they don’t have. Sure, they’ll answer you that you’re this and that but these answers are just based on all the masks you wore.  This is the price of being a liar, the dissociation of one’s self.

And this is why there should be something that serves as a CCTV for one’s mind, like a simple passage/motto or a compendium of your thoughts (which should be written). This is something to keep you sane and your identity or sense of self intact. Like a CCTV, it keeps watch of what’s happening inside that head of yours and it gives you a false sense of security which helps you sleep. It’s ultimate purpose is to remind yourself why you have to wear your masks all the time. Without such a thing, it’s possible to lose yourself in the sea of bullshit.

We’d all have to pay for our sins eventually. 

Social Suicide

Found a Tagalog essay disguised as a scratch paper on my computer table:

“Basta ang alam ko mahal kita, kahit hindi pwede maging tayo. Hindi naman kailangan e. Yun ang alam ko.” At biglaan na lang akong umalis. Ni hindi ko man lang alam kung ano ang reaksyon niya pagkasabi ko non. Ni hindi man lang ako nakatingin sa napakaganda niyang mukha na kay tagal kong inaasam ng mahawakan o madampian man lamang ng aking balat at labi. Hindi ko na rin tinangkang lumingon sa aking likod dahil sa takot na baka wala lang sa kanya ang mga sinabi ko. Takot na tawanan niya ako at hindi seryosohin ang mga sinabi ko at sambitin niya sa akin na, “Eto namang bespren ko o, napakapalabiro.” Gusto ko na lang mawala bigla noon. Ayaw ko sa kasalukuyang kinalalagyan ko, sa ilang metrong pagitan namin sa isa’t isa at lalo namang ayaw ko din na hanggang kaibigan lang ang turing niya sa akin.

Isang taon na din ang nakalipas simula noong una kitang nakilala. Nagsimula sa mga malayo at nakaw na tingin na sa tuwing gagawin ay nakakaramdam ng kakaibang kaba na paano kung mahuli mo ako na sinusulyapan ka. Ngingitian mo ba ako at kakawayan o ako’y tatawanan? Pero sa gitna ng kabang ito ay may nadarama pa ring kakaibang saya pag tinitignan ka, kakaiba at di maipaliwanag na saya. Napakasarap sa damdamin. Hanggang sa dumating na ang aking kinatatakutan, ako’y nahuli mo. Buti na lang at ngumiti ka.

Kay tagal din bago nakuha ang iyong numero. Yun yung debut ng aking sinisinta, si Jane. May inuman noon at dahil sa kaibigan ka ni Jane, imbitado ka din. Anlakas mo nga uminom noon e, pero mabilis ka din malasing. Napansin kong pasuray-suray ka na maglakad at inaantok na ang iyong mga mata kaya naman ay nagkusa na ako na dalhin ka sa sarili mong kwarto. Habang buhat-buhat kita ay kay dami na ng aking naiisip. “Paano kung halikan kita? Paano kung sumama ako sa iyo sa kama?” Kaya kong gawin yun at makatakas ng parang walang nangyari, gaya ng ginawa ko sa ibang mga babae, pero hindi ko ginawa, hindi dahil mahal ko si Jane, pero dahil mahal kita. Napakasarap nga naman ng kasalanan. At ika’y aking ipinatong na sa iyong kama at kinumutan at pinagmasdan bago tuluyang umalis.

Simula noon ay nagsimula na tayong maging malapit sa isa’t isa. Magaan ang loob ko sa’yo at ganun din ang nararamdaman mo sa akin, sabi mo. Mas madalas na nga tayong nagkakasama kaysa sa aking girlfriend. Hindi ko alam kung talaga ngang nagkakalabuan na kami o gawa-gawa ko lang iyon, pero iniwan ko siya dahil mas gusto kong makasama ka. Wala na akong pakiala sa kung ano ang tama o mali basta alam ko ang gusto ko.

Ako’y nanatiling single at ang mga manliligaw mo naman ay walang humpay sa pagdating. At sa bawat manliligaw na dumadating ay nahuhulog din ang loob mo at sa tuwing nahuhulog na ang loob mo ay tsaka ka naman nila iiwan, kung kailan naibigay mo na ang lahat, as in lahat. Sana naman ay magtira ka ng kahit kaunti para sa sarili mo, para sa akin, para sa atin.

Minsan naiisip ko bakit hindi na lang ako? Siguro nga hindi ako ang pinakagwapo o pinakamabait o pinakabagay na lalake para sa iyo, pero gusto kong subukan sana kung paano ang mahalin ka bilang… paano ba ito? Bilang minamahal? Basta, ayoko ng kaibigan lang!

I think that this was an attempt to write something in Tagalog. And past me sucked. Big time. It’s fucking redundant, shallow and naive. It’s a cliche. It is stupidly constructed, not to mention it IS grammatically wrong. It is fucking funny anyway. And all of these traits probably described me way back. I’m a fucked up cliche of a person. 

Somewhere in the distant and furtive looks that whenever feels strange Twitter What if I catch you sinusulyapan. You smile at me and I kakawayan or mock?

- From Google Translate

How the fuck? Twitter? What if I catch you sinusulyapan?

Yun yung debut of my beloved, Jane

Ang iniwang mensahe sa akin ni Rodel:

Natulog ako ng alas tres (ata?) dahil sa kalasingan sa Emperador at Gin. Nakita ko na lang to sa Notepad pagkagising ko ng mga alas-sais:

“dude. at this time siguro nasa bahay nako or nasa bus, and reading your work…keep it real and heartful. wish we could do this every day pero magiging unproductive ata tayo, so every week na lang siguro.”in vino veritas” :)) good luck… panuorin mo lahat ng video.. ung kay mocha na arouse ako…ung kay loydie na touch ako…ung  rascall flatts, send ni *tooot* para saken :P kill yourself!! 

sarap ng galunggong” - Rodel Castillo

Ang masasabi ko lang: Punyeta ka Rodel! Amoy yosi yung computer table at kinain mo yung putanginang galunggong! Sa akin yun e! Pati yung mansanas sa prigider! Tangina mo! 

In vino veritas. 

So, I successfully deleted my old Facebook account because I hate Facebook (besides my account is too fucked up) and yet I found myself creating a new account today.

I hate myself.

By the way, just search for ‘Kevin Antiga’ or ‘jkevinantiga@gmail.com’ and add me up! Please? I need want friends.

Click here to read all the written stuff I posted here on Tumblr. I’ve grouped them all into a page for me to have easy access to them whenever I feel like editing them. And it’s also for those of you that are somewhat interested in reading them. Feel free to criticize/insult me and the stuff that I wrote.

On a side note, I have not satirized anything for the past year, which makes me sad.